Insomnia

The time is currently 5:38 AM. I haven't been able to sleep well for the past four or five days now. I even went to 24 hour fitness tonight to try and tire myself out. Nothing seems to work. Rather, I should say that I was extremely tired as soon as I got home, but then like a tard I decided to stay up for some god forsaken reason. So I've come here as I do on those rare occasions when nothing else will suffice, to jot down some random thoughts. I find myself to be depressed these days more often than not. Partially I guess this is due to lack of any real substantial contact. I feel.... I don't know, whats the word? Not necessarily confused, but more often than not restless. I thought that once I got this job everything would smooth out. After-all my stress since coming back from New York seems to have stemmed from some unknown yet obsessive need to provide some form of income for my family. After all, Ive graduated now. Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Start providing for myself? That was the plan wasn't it? Funny how sometimes the plan doesn't always pan out the way you thought it would. Or in my case, no plan at all. One of my greatest flaws ( from an introspective position) seems to be that I can get very comfortable very easily. On the outside, this doesn't seem like to big a deal to my friends. I'm just easy going right? And to a certain extent that is true. But then again, my friends don't really even know me well enough to say anything of certain about me anymore. Everyone used to be so close in Highschool. While I might not miss anything else about those days, I most definitely miss the comraderie and bonds that formed over all that time spent together. I miss having someone I can talk to with no judgement or inabition; no need to think about what was the "politically correct" thing to say, and just say it. I miss that kinda freedom. It saddens me that even in our group of "friends" there are still politics abound. I can name some names that I think this stems from, but even then, what's the point? It is what it is. Some of these people had such potential, such hope for me that I might open up to them and not be shunned or harmed but each and every one of them has faltered in a way that has shut me off from them. It's actually quite depressing to realize that there is no one that you can talk to that actually GETS IT. Everyone "understands" from a certain vantage point. Friends "understand" my empathizing or sympathizing, but oftentimes try to uplift or interject with their own opinions. More often than not they don't even really get it. A girlfriend understands from her place as a girlfriend. People think too much. I think too much. And more often than not about things that get me no where. Its not like I think about what I should eat tomorow, or how I need to hand in my contract to my new job. No, I think about stupid things like this....

I want a dog. And yet I don't know. My parents have not often led me astray with the advice they have given me. Or maybe they have and I'm too loyal to see it. Never-the-less my dad is afraid to have a dog in the family. I can feel it more than see it that he still hurts from having to get rid of his childhood dog. He spouts wisdom about the responsibility and lack there of that I possess, but he doesn't realize the amount of research and thought I've put into it. One thing I give him is the fact that dogs are expensive indeed, nearly like a very inexpensive baby, and at the current time I do not have the income to care for one. Yet a dog would understand me on a more primal level than anyone else. He would feel with his heart and not with his mind. I think thats what I need most right now. I need everyone to just shut up with everything and just sit here with me. That's it. I just want some companionship without the forms of other bs that's attached with it. In time I suppose everything will fix itself. It always does.

God has been on my mind a lot resently. I was so sure of His existence when Sochi died. My faith was never stronger. I saw things as if they were signs from the Almighty himself. And then, somewhere along the way, things began to fade. Lights began to dim, signs began to blur, and my thoughts started to shift back onto myself. How did I let things turn so ugly? Truthfully, my most peaceful times during the day are actually the moments right before I sleep, when I read a chapter of the Bible and reflect with prayer. If I could bottle that feeling and keep that kind of peace with me throughout the day I wouldn't need anything else. It's the ultimate feeling of relief and joy when one is able to dump all their problems onto someone else and say "Here. You fix it...." I try to live my life according to the Bible, or atleast, am trying to more these days. He asks only for our devotion and faith in exchange for his eternal grace and forgiveness. That's not a bad trade up any day of the week. My own personal God watches over me. I know that at times I still falter. Oftentimes given a certain scenario or situation, I know I'd rather sin than do right. But then again to er is to be human. Sin was bred into our very existence. But that doesn't mean we have to just give up the fight. Classic case of nature vs. nurture? No... not nurture.... maybe Nature vs. Faith? Nature is the heavy favor to win in that one..... but Faith has always been an underdog. And everyone loves an underdog......

It's 6:04 now. I have so much I need to do today. Most of all get some sleep. This wasn't nearly as theraputic as I thought it would be. Nothing of importance to say I guess. Just ramblings. I could probably continue writing my thoughts for days, but there's nothing important that needs saying right now. God watch over me and keep me strong in the face of evil and corruption. Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from Evil. Yours is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory. Forever and ever and ever and ever. Amen.