Insomnia

The time is currently 5:38 AM. I haven't been able to sleep well for the past four or five days now. I even went to 24 hour fitness tonight to try and tire myself out. Nothing seems to work. Rather, I should say that I was extremely tired as soon as I got home, but then like a tard I decided to stay up for some god forsaken reason. So I've come here as I do on those rare occasions when nothing else will suffice, to jot down some random thoughts. I find myself to be depressed these days more often than not. Partially I guess this is due to lack of any real substantial contact. I feel.... I don't know, whats the word? Not necessarily confused, but more often than not restless. I thought that once I got this job everything would smooth out. After-all my stress since coming back from New York seems to have stemmed from some unknown yet obsessive need to provide some form of income for my family. After all, Ive graduated now. Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Start providing for myself? That was the plan wasn't it? Funny how sometimes the plan doesn't always pan out the way you thought it would. Or in my case, no plan at all. One of my greatest flaws ( from an introspective position) seems to be that I can get very comfortable very easily. On the outside, this doesn't seem like to big a deal to my friends. I'm just easy going right? And to a certain extent that is true. But then again, my friends don't really even know me well enough to say anything of certain about me anymore. Everyone used to be so close in Highschool. While I might not miss anything else about those days, I most definitely miss the comraderie and bonds that formed over all that time spent together. I miss having someone I can talk to with no judgement or inabition; no need to think about what was the "politically correct" thing to say, and just say it. I miss that kinda freedom. It saddens me that even in our group of "friends" there are still politics abound. I can name some names that I think this stems from, but even then, what's the point? It is what it is. Some of these people had such potential, such hope for me that I might open up to them and not be shunned or harmed but each and every one of them has faltered in a way that has shut me off from them. It's actually quite depressing to realize that there is no one that you can talk to that actually GETS IT. Everyone "understands" from a certain vantage point. Friends "understand" my empathizing or sympathizing, but oftentimes try to uplift or interject with their own opinions. More often than not they don't even really get it. A girlfriend understands from her place as a girlfriend. People think too much. I think too much. And more often than not about things that get me no where. Its not like I think about what I should eat tomorow, or how I need to hand in my contract to my new job. No, I think about stupid things like this....

I want a dog. And yet I don't know. My parents have not often led me astray with the advice they have given me. Or maybe they have and I'm too loyal to see it. Never-the-less my dad is afraid to have a dog in the family. I can feel it more than see it that he still hurts from having to get rid of his childhood dog. He spouts wisdom about the responsibility and lack there of that I possess, but he doesn't realize the amount of research and thought I've put into it. One thing I give him is the fact that dogs are expensive indeed, nearly like a very inexpensive baby, and at the current time I do not have the income to care for one. Yet a dog would understand me on a more primal level than anyone else. He would feel with his heart and not with his mind. I think thats what I need most right now. I need everyone to just shut up with everything and just sit here with me. That's it. I just want some companionship without the forms of other bs that's attached with it. In time I suppose everything will fix itself. It always does.

God has been on my mind a lot resently. I was so sure of His existence when Sochi died. My faith was never stronger. I saw things as if they were signs from the Almighty himself. And then, somewhere along the way, things began to fade. Lights began to dim, signs began to blur, and my thoughts started to shift back onto myself. How did I let things turn so ugly? Truthfully, my most peaceful times during the day are actually the moments right before I sleep, when I read a chapter of the Bible and reflect with prayer. If I could bottle that feeling and keep that kind of peace with me throughout the day I wouldn't need anything else. It's the ultimate feeling of relief and joy when one is able to dump all their problems onto someone else and say "Here. You fix it...." I try to live my life according to the Bible, or atleast, am trying to more these days. He asks only for our devotion and faith in exchange for his eternal grace and forgiveness. That's not a bad trade up any day of the week. My own personal God watches over me. I know that at times I still falter. Oftentimes given a certain scenario or situation, I know I'd rather sin than do right. But then again to er is to be human. Sin was bred into our very existence. But that doesn't mean we have to just give up the fight. Classic case of nature vs. nurture? No... not nurture.... maybe Nature vs. Faith? Nature is the heavy favor to win in that one..... but Faith has always been an underdog. And everyone loves an underdog......

It's 6:04 now. I have so much I need to do today. Most of all get some sleep. This wasn't nearly as theraputic as I thought it would be. Nothing of importance to say I guess. Just ramblings. I could probably continue writing my thoughts for days, but there's nothing important that needs saying right now. God watch over me and keep me strong in the face of evil and corruption. Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from Evil. Yours is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory. Forever and ever and ever and ever. Amen.

Mark Twain

Brainstorming....

Start with "How to Tell a Story."

1. Symbolizes the difference between American culture. Distinguishes it from that of English or French literature. "How to Tell a Story" is symbollically different because America is seen as "humorous" while English and French is seen as "witty." It is not about the "matter" of the conversation, but rather the "manner."

- What does this signify? How is humour different from wit? How is manner different from 

matter? I suppose, it is not what is being said, but how it is said that is important. How is this relevant to California literature? Twain tries to create a new brand of literature that relies upon what? Audience participation? i.e. "The Golden Arm." 

- Issues of identity. Twain tries to form a distinctive identity for California. "Surrounded by 

the best storytellers." California as wholesome and honest. Not filled with pretention or fakeness. * The California people are honest. This is what makes the storytelling enjoyable. 

There is no show behind their stories. It is simple and plain and funny because of the way in  which it is told. Not because of a pre-rehearsed punch line. 

- What is the difference between "The Wounded Soldier" and "The Golden Arm"? Both 

require some form of a punchline at the end. One is humurous, the other is scary. One is 

funny to the teller whether it affects the audience or not. The other is completely dependant  upon the audience. The reaction from the audience will dictate the humor. Only meant to be funny if it is interpreted so....

- The stories are stories in and of themselves. They are either funny or not depending on the audience. Unlike British or French stories, these are open to interpretation. Open. Free. Can be whatever you want it to be...  This is the way in which Twain depicts California. A land of free spirited people. Elements of magical realism add to an excitement and newness found in California. i.e. "Jim Baker's Bluejay Yarn," and "The Notrioius Jumping Frog of Calaveras County."

Magic realism is a fundamental element to Mark Twain's early writings. He invents and reinvents stories. Even if they are told in their original context, they are still fanciful and unbelievable. Suspend belief. California as almost a fantasy. Where men can talk to blue jays and train frogs.

-"The Notorious Jumping Frog of Calaveras County." Both this and the Bluejay story act almost as parables. What do they teach? What are they trying to convey to the reader? I suppose betting would be a lucrative business during early California times. Especially with the onset of the Gold Rush. Perhaps twain was describing the ways in which a gambler will always eventually lose. Even the best of gamblers .Gamblers that rig the game and have "sure wins" will undoubtably meet someone more clever than they. Gambling will lead to no good.

-"Jim Baker's Bluejay Yarn." This is the story with the most elements of magical realism. What is the connection between man and bluejays? Bluejays are given anthropomorphic elements within the context of the story. Symbolic of man? The foolishness of man. Overstepping their boundaries? The way bluejays can laugh things off while man cannot? Man and bluejay both strive to attain the impossible? What is the significance of the bluejay? Is the bird indigenous to California? Perhaps it was exotic at the time? Representative of California? This story reminds me of Hercules trying to drink the ocean.... Relavent? 

Outline:

1. Introduction

2. California as a new and exciting place.

3. Distinguishing itself from its British and French counterparts.

- "How to tell a story"

- Punchlines

- Ambiguoty and interpretation.

- Freedom of thought. Freedom in general

4. Twain uses elements of magic realism to show a fantastic image of California.

- Bluejay

5. At the same time, Twain also warns against the dangers of California.

- Notorious Frog.

6. All of Twains stories are comical in nature. However, they are comical in an "American" or "Californian" way. Not dependant upon a punchline but rather the story itself. 

7. Conclusion

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Free Writer

De Ja Vu

So I'm back again. Same story, different day. I guess coming here to write helps loosen me up. Life has been kinda crazy lately. I fractured my thumb playing basketball; reached out trying to deflect a pass out of instinct instead of intention. Stupid mistake. I thought it was just spranged until about three days after, when the swelling didn't go down and the bruising turned blue and extended all the way to my hand. 

While on the subject of basketball.....

Derrick Rose is a monster. I hear that he keeps a journal of everything that works for him during a game. With that in mind, seeing as how I wont be playing for 4-6 weeks, I've decided I'll try to study the game more and see how to improve upon my own.

Goal 1: Getting my hesitation down. Hesitation and stutter step moves are so important to the offensive aspects of basketball its crazy. What's crazier is that they're so subtle. Changing speeds from slow to fast or fast to slow really throws a defenders timing off. While I was watching Rose cross up Andre Miller nasty like 7839201409 times on replay I noticed that the hesitation is what set it up. That, and the fact that Rose is stupid fast. He didnt even break stride during the crossover and the hesitation is so stop and go fast that the second the defender even begins to recognize it he's already gone. 

Goal 2: Footwork! Watching Kobe Bryant out of the three point stance is amazing. He'll oftentimes get his defender out of position before he even takes a dribble. Its a thing of beauty. I need to learn to be more mental in my approach to the game while playing. Reflex takes over too often and I lose track of what I'm trying to work on.

More to come after I've studied some more games :) 

So my roomates Uncle died during Thanksgiving weekend. I was shocked to hear the news. I dont even really know how to express my condolences right now.... It's kinda weird with all the tragidies going on around me, sometimes I think I'm heartless.... I can totally empathize with them, but the fact that it doesnt touch me on a personal level really makes me wonder whats going on inside my head or my heart or whatever it is that makes me feel how I feel. I'll oftentimes get more emotional during t.v. shows than in real life. Maybe I'm just deflecting real emotions for fake ones. Maybe by detaching myself from the situation I wont get as hurt. I dunno man but I just hope these people in my life know I care about em, even if I'm all smiles and jokes most the time....

Onto some brainstorming for my essay....

1. Morrison explores within "A Mercy" an America devoid of any ideological pretext. It is an America as "Tabula Rasa," still trying to discover an identity and motivation for its presence within the world.

2. Slavery is not racially biased during this time. Morrison explores throughout the novel how slavery becomes a socially justified behavior. Moreover, she tries to explain how slavery becomes racially prejudiced to a predominately black community.

Outline:

-Intro

1. Slaves as commercial gain and profit.

2. How slave trade becomes a predominately black enterprise. Reasons include fear and prejudice, underlined by the greed of property. All this is masked behind a veil of "mercy" for people who are seen as inferior. 

ex) Floren's time with the widow and daughter jane. The screaming child as symbolic of the salem witch trials.

ex) The Blacksmith's interpretation of Floren's as "wild." Outside influence which perpetrates a racial profile that all Blacks are wild and savage, unable to care for themselves. <-- Excuse which allows "whites" the freedom to justify their actions.

3. Descrepency between white and black slaves by the end of the novel. Mainly Florens and Sorrow. Sorrow is able to "find herself" within the birth of her child. Symbolizes the hope of white indentured slaves. Even if she is to escape, the reality is she is much more likely to become free than Florens, her black counterpart. Her skin will forever set her apart. Displacement of a people from their natural home will not allow for equality.

4. Conclusion?

- The patriarchically male dominated society has always justified it's actions behind an ideological belief that they are performing "merciful" acts. Whether it be enslaving a lesser race such as blacks or indians in order to "save" them, or keeping gender inequality in check, the "mercy" of male dominated society has given rise to horrid things in the name of "mercy." The title of the book, then, becomes a sarcastic critique about the lies and decent surrounding the justification of early American life.

Hmmmm..... I hope that'll be enough for ten pages.... I should be able to make it work as long as I can explain everything in detail.... as long as I have the energy to continue writing...

Ok gotta get back to work!

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Free Writer

Writer's Block

     As I sit here at 7:35 on a Sunday night, with essay's and presentations piling up in my mind, I've decided to come to this arbitrary website and, instead of doing work which desperately needs getting done, begin another futile attempt at procrastination. I've had a week to think about this presentation on "Jazz" by Toni Morrison, and have all the ideas already mapped out in my mind. 

What am I doing? 

I have so many things to get done, but so little desire to do them... Sometimes I think school is so meaningless; struggling for years in order to recieve a piece of paper that somehow defines you as a person that you either are or are not. I often times wish that I could be done with school. In actuality the degree means nothing to me. School is a stepping stone that I wish I could skip over; wasted time and energy. Thats all school is. Essays are used to gauge the level of understanding of a student in my major. Talking would be so much easier and efficient. A constant exchange of ideas, always evolving and redifined in conversations, are never adequately allowed when 300 students have to turn in essays to be read by 5 or 6 readers. A few glib comments and a grade is all that you receive for hours of work. What's the point?  

In Othello, Shakespeare critiques the sociatal pressures which are manifested in a man struggling to define himself. Othello seeks to claim an identity that he can neither understand nor determine. He constantly battles between two opposing viewpoints. Society sees only Othello's "blackness." Othello himself tries to build a reputation not defined by his skin, but rather his actions. However, neither representation is a true reflection of Othello. This is because Othello himself has no anchoring center in which to draw upon for a true identity. This lack of understanding of oneself is what ultimately leads to his destruction. The true tragedy of "Othello" is not the fact that he kills his wife. It is the fact that even in killing her, he is unable to find himself. Iago is responsible for many of Othello's actions. 

Trying to find a line in a jumbled mess of thoughts is often hard. Slowly an idea is narrowed down until it reaches a point. 

What does Desdemona represent?

What does Iago represent?

Othello is jealous of everyone? He is jealous of normality, because he can never achieve it. Therefore, killing Desdemona is the ultimate representation of the rejection of society. If he cannot fit in after being perfect, then he will isolate himself with his own hands. However, the isolation is due in part to Iago, and not truly of Othello's own design. The act is still in and of himself. Iago plants the seeds of doubt, but Othello is still the one who carries out the act.

Does killing Desdemona liberate Othello? In killing her, does he finally achieve an identity of his own? Is it better to have for himself this identity as a murderer, rather than the false identity that everyone sees him to have? An identity owned, however evil, is better than an identity given, however good? 

My head hurts.... 

Lack of sleep and too much thinking.....

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I went to see Toni Morrison speak two days ago. The experience was one that I'll probably never forget. Too many emotions and thoughts jumbled to express them all..... 

1. She is an amazingly intelligent and open person. She speaks in a language and tone which is both soothing and inviting. 

2. Her happiness is evident through her speech. She is neither pretentious nor humble. She is honest. She is herself. 

3. The process in which she writes is very interesting. Characters names and events are taken from experiences in her own life. She draws on her life experiences to better illustrate the problems her characters are going through. 

4. She is the mediator for the characters in her book. She is the medium. Through her, they speak. She does not put the words in their mouth, rather, they put the words into hers. 

5. The structure and architecture of her novels are important to the central ideas in her novels. The way a chapter is set up will give clues into the way in which she tries to define her story. In "A Mercy," the fact that there are on chapter headings, titles, or numbers, illustrate her need for the story to move along at a rapid pace, with few stops or blocks to get in the way of the reader and the story.

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"Jazz" presentation:

The book moves like a piece of music.

1. Lines flow together. The ending sentence of one chapter always flows into the first of the next.

2. Within chapters, passages will often retell the same event from multiple viewpoints. Much in the same way that a piece of music will reinvent the same patter of notes.

3. Ambiguity of words and phrases leaves it up to the reader to interpret what is meant by the words. Much like a piece of music, where it is up to the listener to interpret the meaning. 

What is the importance of the book?

1. Book has a strong sense of "casuality"

2. Does the music affect the people in the story, or do the people affect the music?

3. Each character within the novel seems to be attuned to one instrument. In all, they make up the band members of "jazz."

4. It is up to the people to alter their surroundings. Time does not change things. Doing things change things. 

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Free writer